You're Still You
by diehardRRfan
Summary: This story takes place during the fight about Rachel's phone number in Season 9. About a lost love rediscovered. One-shot. Please please please Review... Just Ross and Rachel, no other characters.


**You're Still You**

_Author's Note: Okay, I know that some of you are at least a little upset about the ridiculously long wait for the next update on 'Love is…' and I just want you to know that I'm definitely **not** abandoning that one. It's one of my favorites… I'm just finding it extremely difficult to formulate a chapter that I am satisfied with, and I want to make sure I like what I have before I post it for you guys. I don't want to disappoint. Now, this fic- this is just a one-shot that I got an idea for at work. It takes place during the fight that Ross and Rachel were having during season 9 about her giving her number to some guy at the bar… Don't forget to leave me a review, and suggestions if you have them for 'Love is…' Enjoy!_

The air was crisp, the sky dark and clear, and the innocent citizens of New York were by now enjoying dinner with their spouses and families, everyone but Ross Gellar and Rachel Green. They, unfortunately, were in yet another fight, and the tension in the room right now couldn't be cut with a knife.

Rachel was shaking with anger, which was strange considering that no more than five minutes ago she'd been overwhelmed by guilt. She stood; using the couch to hold herself up, and repeated the question she asked Ross only moments previous. In a voice shaken by inexplicable rage, "Ross, why didn't I get that message?"

_Would you look at her as she looks at me  
She's got me thinkin about her constantly  
But she don't know how I feel  
And as she carries on without a doubt  
I wonder if she's figured out  
I'm crazy for this girl_

There was an unbearably long pause as Ross sighed and stared at the floor, ashamed, nervous, and terrified. "Rach, I… I don't know."

_She was the one to hold me  
The night  
The sky fell down  
And what was I thinking when  
The world didn't end  
Why didn't I know what I know now_

"Ross, you violated my privacy and your excuse is you 'don't know'? Do you have any idea how shitty that sounds? You know damn well why you kept that message from me. Be a man Ross. Why didn't I get the message?" Rachel yelled. She was letting her anger get the better of her, but she didn't care. She had been under the impression that she and Ross had put all of that relationship stuff behind them. She thought that they had found a place where they could move on and be happy for each other, but now she could feel that he was thinking otherwise. While she wanted to hear why she had never gotten the message from Bill at the bar, she was dreading it too, because more likely than not, it would open up a conversation that she'd been avoiding for months.

"Because."

"Because what?"

_Right now  
Face to face  
All my fears  
Pushed aside  
And right now  
I'm ready to spend the rest of my life  
With you_

"Because I didn't want you to go out with anyone. I saw that you were moving on, and it scared me, okay? That's why you didn't get your message, Rach."

There it was. Rachel's legs could no longer support her. She fell onto the couch as a million and one thoughts raced through her already cluttered mind. Thoughts that ranged from angry to confused, while her heart pumped near-alarming amounts of blood to her brain, giving her a head rush even though she was sitting down. "What? I mean, I don't under-… What?" She took a deep breath and massaged her temples. " I don't understand what you're telling me, Ross. What do you mean you don't want me dating anyone?"

Just the question he didn't want her to ask. For months, ever since Emma was born, Ross had been fighting his feelings for her. Something that unfortunately, he'd had to do more often than not since he was fifteen years old. He was in love with her, always had been, but in her eyes, they'd had their chance. In her eyes, they would never work out. In her eyes, they were just friends. But she didn't know what that was doing to him inside. "Do you have any idea how much it hurts me to see you moving on, Rachel? Do you know how it rips my heart in two to see you with other guys?" He cautiously moved to sit next to Rachel on the couch. She had her eyes closed and she looked extremely drained. She didn't look near as mad as she did before, thank God, but that was a far cry from the happiness that he'd seen in her eyes only hours before.

"If it's anything like how I felt when you were with Julie, Bonnie, Emily, Elizabeth… then yeah, I might know how you feel." To emphasize her point, Rachel turned and looked Ross right in the eye as she finished talking. When she turned, Ross could see that her eyes were glistening with fresh, silent tears.

"God, Rach, I'm so sorry. I never, ever meant to hurt you. Not six years ago, not ever."

Rachel turned away again and heaved a great sigh that in no way released her of the pressure she was currently under. All this time, she'd been trying to lead a life as normal as you could have while living with her "just-a-friend" ex-boyfriend with whom she'd just recently had a daughter, totally oblivious to the fact that Ross was still in love with her. They had a history elaborate and long enough to fill a book series the size of Harry Potter. They'd had their fair share of ups-and-downs, ins-and-outs, and ons-and-offs, she just assumed that all of that was behind them now and that they were moving on from each other. The subject of 'us' had not been a topic of conversation since Rachel was in the hospital with Emma. At that point, it had been Rachel who wanted to pick things up again, and they almost did, had it not been for Joey's indecent and inadvertent proposal. Things changed then, and she supposed that it was permanent. Sighing again, she asked, "Where was all of this when Emma was born, when we almost got back together? We didn't do it because you backed out. What happened between then and now to change your mind?"

"I've never stopped loving you, Rachel. Not once. The Joey thing – it was too weird for me then. If he had been serious or if he hadn't straightened things out with you, you would most likely be Mrs. Tribbiani right now. That was a little hard for me to get past, the fact that my one true love would have married one of my best friends. It was definitely a big pill to swallow, even if it didn't happen. But I have always loved you. Ever since I was fifteen years old. Considering how long it's been already, I don't think there's a damn thing on this Earth that could ever make me stop."

Ross watched as his words sunk in. He never took his eyes off of her, just sat there hoping and praying that the next words out of her mouth would be words of love and relentless devotion – but instead of being smothered with kisses and I love you's, he got nothing. Just silence disturbed every couple of seconds by her heavy breathing.

They sat like that for what felt like forever. Just… thoughts masked by silence. Love masked by confusion. Worry masked by hope. Rachel thinking, Ross thinking about what Rachel was thinking. It was a vicious cycle but Ross was up for anything – anything to get her back.

Rachel knew that he'd never stopped loving her. She also knew that he never would. Some might see that as her being conceited, but that's not what it was at all. She knew those things because it's exactly how she felt for him. They were each other's first love – that's not something that ever fades away. Knowing that, there was very little stopping her from kissing him and never letting him go. But what _was_ stopping her were questions. Questions that needed to be answered, things to be sorted out, major confidence boosts and reality checks, and a sudden burst of self-control that she wished she possessed several times over the past six years.

Ross was getting uneasy. He understood that what he was telling her was certainly a lot to take right now, but that didn't diminish the fact that he wanted to know what was going through her mind. He wanted to know whether she was going to fall right back into his arms, or whether he was going to have to fight for her. He was prepared to do both, whatever was necessary to ensure that he wouldn't have to spend another night dreaming about her knowing that she was no longer his. "Tell me what you're thinking…" A loaded question, true, but oh-so necessary.

"We don't have time for that." Rachel said, a small smile on her face.

Ross chuckled and smoothed the fabric of his jeans over his knees. 'Good, the sense of humour's still there,' he thought.

Rachel took a deep breath and looked at Ross. " I just have so many questions…so many worries. This is a lot for me to take right now."

Ross nodded. He more than understood. Their past was choc-full of situations just like this. Situations that came with millions of questions and millions of things to think about. Answers were never easy to find, and as far as thought processes were concerned, neither knew where to start. They sat through yet another long silence. Ross' brain was in a constant battle with his heart. He wanted to bad to reach over and comfort her. Kiss away her fears, promise her forever…But his brain was telling him to let her have her space. His palms were sweating and his heart was beating so wildly in his chest that he could see his shirt moving and he was almost positive that Rachel could hear it thumping. "Say something. Please, Rach."

Rachel closed her eyes and smoothed back her hair. Finally, in a voice barely louder than a soft whisper, "How come you never proposed to me?"

Anything but that…

"Uh, hm, Rach I don't.."

"Did you not lo-"

"Don't even think that. You know it's not true. You know how much I loved you. It was never a matter of that though. It was just…"

Rachel was at the breaking point. She was afraid that the next words out of his mouth would send her over the edge, the point of no return. He had the power. It was all in him. He could either make her the happiest woman on earth, or banish her into a life of pain and misery. "What was it Ross? I mean, you asked Emily to marry you after like two weeks. I just don't get it. We dated for a year – if you loved me as much as you say you did, we wouldn't be here right now. We would be in Scarsdale with one daughter and another on the way, according to your plans!" She was getting frustrated again. She was so confused, and like so many times before, she expected the answers to all of her questions to come in a snap. Now, it was ten times worse, because the answers she was looking for were for questions that she had been asking herself for years.

"With Emily, it was never a love thing. It was never that I loved her more than I loved you. The marriage to her, if you can even call it that, was more of a thing to help me get over you." Ross looked at Rachel and grabbed her hands, somewhat surprised that she didn't jerk away from his touch. He could see how much she was hurting, and he knew that some of that hurt had been buried deep inside her and had been suppressed there for years. "Rachel, when we broke up, I was more hurt and devastated that I ever thought I could be. To this day I haven't felt as bad as I did for months after we were over. The fact that it was my fault definitely didn't help. I desperately needed something to get my mind off of you. Around that time, you were so gaga over Joshua, I was so jealous and depressed, Emily was just my way of trying to get past our relationship."

"Oh my God…" Rachel sat, wide-eyed, and stiff with shock. Rachel couldn't believe her ears. Part of her was happy; happy that he never _really_ felt anything for Emily, not in the way that he felt for her. But part of her was still so confused.

"That night… the night that we broke up, I was going to take you to the planetarium for a picnic. I had the whole night planned, then I was stupid and I didn't listen when you said you couldn't leave work…" Ross was beginning to cry now. He was revisiting all of these old memories, dredging up the past to show Rachel what was really going through his mind back then. He was hoping that at some point she would see how sincere he was… how in love with her he was, how in love with her he always had been.

"Rachel all you have to say is three words. Tell me you still love me. Tell me and we can put all of our mistakes behind us once and for all. We can start over. You, Emma and me. You know you love me. I know you do. Just say it." He was begging now, looking into her beautiful blue eyes and pleading with her to understand what he was saying and listen to him. He'd never felt so helpless. He was pouring his heart out, and he had no idea if the outcome was going to be a good one. He had no idea if he was giving their relationship the kiss of death, or opening the doors of a happiness that they had never known together. Right now, he was so vulnerable. He'd thrown himself out there, leaving his heart on out the table, giving Rachel the opportunity to break it into a million pieces if she really wanted to.

Rachel was dumbfounded. She looked into Ross's eyes and saw so much. She saw love. A stronger love than anything she had ever known. A love that had made him so weak and defenceless in the past, and that was begging her open her heart to him again. But love wasn't the only thing that she could see in him. She also saw fear and desperation, the same fear and desperation she was feeling at that moment. He was right she knew she loved him. The whole world knew that. It seemed that throughout the years, they were blind to what everyone around them knew – that they were in love. They would try and deny it, but there's no denying a feeling as powerful as love. Despite what she felt for him, she was scared. Scared of many things, but mainly that they would end up the same way that they ended so many times before. If it was just the two of them, that wouldn't be such a problem but now they had Emma, and she couldn't risk putting her daughter through that pain. "What makes you so sure that we won't screw this up again? How do you know that one of us isn't going to do something incredibly stupid that will hurt the other – and Emma? God, Ross, I couldn't live with myself if I put her through this only to come out of it battered and bruised. I just couldn't."

"I don't have any more answers than you do. I just know that in the past six years we've grown. We've matured, Rach. Doesn't the fact that we even _have_ Emma tell you how far we've come?"

"Emma is the result of wine-induced sex, Ross! That doesn't show maturity, it shows irresponsibility!"

Ross didn't know what else to say. Rachel was right. Having Emma was not the best example of growth and maturity. But none of that meant that Emma didn't deserve to grow up a part of a happy family. Not a family like they were now, but a traditional one. "I can't say that we won't mistakes, Rachel. I can't say that this time is going to be a fairytale. I know that there's going to be bumps in the road. But Rach, that's every relationship. Nothing is ever going to be perfect because that's not what we are. And I think that having Emma will only make us try harder to make things work. We just have to take the first step. You can't let fear blind love. You'll die inside if you do that. Please…"

"I don't know Ross… I'm still scared. This is us- and Emma. There's so much at stake here. There is so much weight on our shoulders right now. It was hard enough for us back when we didn't have to worry about making things work. I know that every couple goes through rough patches and I understand that. But we're not like other couples Ross. We never have been and we never will be. We have a longer and more complicated history than most people out there. Things are so different for us."

Ross looked at the floor. He hadn't expected it to be easy to come clean with her and hope that she would feel the same way, but it was much more difficult and draining than he ever imagined. He closed his eyes and took the deepest breath his lungs could support. He had loved this woman for as long as he could remember and little by little, she was slipping away from him. He stood up and walked over to the window. He was looking through the glass but he didn't see any buildings. He saw no snow, no night sky. All he saw were images of Rachel from his memory, playing like a tape in a VCR.

_You can't hide beautiful  
You can't hide wonderful  
There's nothing that she has to do  
It just comes natural  
She makes it look easy  
I love what she does to me  
No way to disguise  
The way that she shines  
You can't hide beautiful_

Rachel in the delivery room: He was so unbelievably proud of her that day. He had never seen her work so hard. And then afterwards, he watched her sing to Emma when she thought that no one was around. The sight of his daughter and the love of his life, it brought tears to his eyes even today.

_She can take a simple dress  
Put it on and turn some heads  
Man, every time she moves she gets me  
She doesn't even know she's sexy  
And the way she think sometimes  
Out of nowhere blows my mind  
She makes me laugh and makes me dream  
I love the way she looks at things  
A little piece of heaven God gave to this world  
She might think she's just an ordinary girl_

The night the Emma was conceived: As irresponsible as it undoubtedly was, Ross considered it to be one of the best nights of his life. He'd gotten an opportunity he never thought he'd get again – to hold her in his arms. He whispered sweet things into her ear that night. An 'I love you' here, 'you're beautiful' there. She probably thought it was the wine talking, but he was serious.

_She says don't stare at me  
She's afraid that I might see  
Those five extra pounds she talks about  
Man, I don't know what she's talking about  
She looks through magazines  
With every page she dreams  
Of looking like somebody else  
I wish she wasn't so hard on herself  
Then she falls asleep with just my T-shirt on  
Even when her hair's messed up and her makeup's gone_

_You can't hide beautiful_

Their wedding in Vegas: He still got a good laugh out of that one every once in a while. They were really stupid back then, though. That wasn't how he intended to have Rachel as his wife. It wasn't quite like how she described it at his parents' anniversary, but it was special nonetheless because it was her and it was him. Nothing could be more special than that.

His wedding to Emily: Definitely a huge mistake on his part. Seeing Rachel had been a breath of fresh air, if only she'd known back then how he felt for her, and the lengths he had gone to in an effort to get over her.

_You can't hide beautiful  
You can't hide wonderful  
There's nothing that she has to do  
It just comes natural  
She makes it look easy  
I love what she does to me  
No way to disguise  
The way that she shines  
You can't hide beautiful_

Their anniversary: The night from Hell that was supposed to be a gift from God. If he could change anything, he would change the events of that night because that night changed the course of his life and lost him the best thing that he ever had.

Looking back at Rachel, he saw her wiping her eyes with a tissue. He couldn't let her walk away from him, from 'them'. He walked over and sat beside her on the couch. She turned to look at him and before she even had time to blink she felt the familiar sensation of his kiss. Not just he physical part, she felt the whole thing – the way her heart flutters, the way her mind is rendered completely useless except to think about how magical he is and how he makes her feel. Before long, she found herself sinking into that kiss. She couldn't let herself succumb to his schemes, however. She knew he loved her, he had made that clear, she was just afraid that he wasn't thinking things completely through like he should be. It took all of her physical and emotional strength to pull away. "Ross wait.."

_I won't talk  
I won't breathe  
I won't move till you finally see  
That you belong with me_

"No, Rachel. I took a leap. People when they're in love they jump. I jumped and right now, I'm falling. I'm falling harder and faster by the second, and the only one who can make me feel like I'm flying again is you. For six years I've stared at you across the coffeehouse kicking myself for letting you go and for making all of the stupid mistakes I've made in the past that jeopardized my future with you. I've watched you date guys that were nowhere near good enough for you. I've dried your tears and I've been there for you as much as you'd let me. I did all of that because I love you. I love you so much it feels like my heart is going to explode. Sometimes I'll look at you and I swear my heart stops. You literally take my breath away." Ross pushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear and wiped a tear that had begun to slide down her cheek. He smiled as he caressed her face and he felt her tilt her head into his hand. When he spoke again, his voice was a mere whisper, "Those few bonus nights that we had, they meant as much to me as our relationship did and still does. Six years, Rachel. This isn't just something that came from out of nowhere. My love for you has never faltered. It's never wavered. If anything, it's only grown deeper and truer and strong enough to withstand anything that gets thrown our way. So, you can say you love me or you can say you don't. It doesn't matter because I'm going to love you forever either way. Whether you like it or not."

_I'm weak, it's true  
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer  
Do you want me too?  
Cause my heart keeps falling faster_

At this point, Rachel was openly crying, not even bothering to wipe her eyes. She had not expected the night to turn out this way. In front of her was a man weakened by a history full of mistakes and heartaches, but also strengthened by an empowering desire and a love so strong and so true. It was hard to believe, looking back, that he was once hers, that they were once Ross and Rachel, Rachel and Ross. They were forever. They were the kind of couple that were admired, where if they couldn't last, then no one could. Throughout the course of the last ten years, they'd loved and lost, been angry, happy, sad, confused and everything in between but through it all, they'd been one thing essentially. One thing that meant as much then as it did now, one thing that molded them and showed them the ins-and-outs of the world. They'd been in love. Both together and apart, they still shared the love that would no doubt carry them through the shades of time. From one road to the next, but one thing was for sure: No matter what road they travelled, no matter where life took them, they'd never have to face it alone.

_I've waited all my life to cross this line  
To the only thing that's true  
So I will not hide  
It's time to try anything to be with you  
All my life I've waited  
This is true_

Smiling, Rachel traced his face with her hand. She outlined the bottom of his lower lip, taking in every minute detail of the masterpiece she had in front of her. Amazed that they had finally faced what had been evident for so long – they were meant to be. Lobsters, if you will.

Chuckling slightly at the memory of Phoebe's past belief, Rachel whispered, "I love you."

With those three words powerful enough to induce heart spasms, Ross's floodgates were demolished forcing him to release years upon years of love and devotion kept sacred and hidden. With wave after wave of emotion crashing down on him like waves hitting the shore, he freed himself completely, and so did she. They destroyed the walls that served as barriers to them for so long, and basked in the overwhelming happiness that comes with a realization as real as that of lifelong love.

This was it. No more Mark's or Chloe's. No more Emily's or Vegas's. All that lay ahead of them was love – love that opened up new doors and closed old ones. Moving past old mistakes and bracing themselves for new mistakes that were inevitable, they entered the world with a new outlook, one that told them to persevere. When the roads got tough, they would get tougher. Together, they could get through anything, and that's exactly what they intended to do.

_Author's Note: So yeah, I don't know about this…Please leave a review and tell me what you think. The songs I used were "Crazy for this girl" by Evan and Jaron, "You can't hide beautiful" by Aaron Lines, and "True" by Ryan Cabrera. I think that for a while I'm probably going to be doing a few one-shot fics. I've got ideas that take place in many different places throughout the series. You'll find out later. Reviews make me happy – please?_


End file.
